But first I forgot to mention in my last blog that I called the doctor last week to inquire about moving the csection up to a morning time. I got a call back several hours later from the nurse who told me several things.
My doctor ONLY does afternoon and evening scheduled csections. She said because he has so many patient appointments and also has to do rounds at the hospital during the morning (because he is the head high risk perinatologist). Soooo, I am stuck with the 2pm surgery time and there isn't anything I can do about it. And so I'll just assume it was meant to be that way and go with it. The nurse suggested I have Justin get up at 5am on the day of surgery and make me a breakfast of my liking, because the last thing I can eat or drink is at 6am. I said that sounds like a plan, but knowing myself all too well, I know I will be too nervous to eat. She said I will be in the hospital for 96 hours from the 2pm on the 3rd, so I get to stay until Sunday. She said I will appreciate all the help, advice, and recovery time while I am there.
I confirmed all this information with Missy last week at our appointment. The only thing I'm not sure of is if I am supposed to arrive at 2pm, or surgery is at 2pm, so I'll have to confirm again on Thursday my arrival time.
So, I have been thinking a lot the last 4 days about how I am mentally feeling and I finally realized a couple things. People keep asking me if I am excited for the babies to come and can I not wait until they are here. And I feel like honestly my reaction was sort of like, "what are you talking about?" and almost not being able to understand why I didn't feel a sense of excitement and I couldn't figure out why. I felt like I had no emotion or excitement to give them the answer they were looking for. And then after some reflection I figured it out.....
For 3 years we were so focused on getting pregnant. Everything we did revolved around if it would help us get "pregnant". And then when it didn't happen on its own we turned to medical help to get "pregnant". And we spent 2 years doing medical treatments with the ultimate goal of getting "pregnant". In my mind, that was the goal, "get pregnant". So in February when we found out we were pregnant, it took quite awhile for it to sink in that we had finally reached our goal, "to get pregnant". And.............
Well..........we reached our goal!! but I never thought beyond "getting pregnant." Because why? Because that was the goal, there wasn't a thought beyond that because that was too big to think about. So I guess my brain has just been in the mode of well..... I did it, I got pregnant, and that's it. It hasn't registered that there are actual babies in that pregnant belly and that the pregnancy goal is just the precursor to the ultimate goal. The goal that I never let myself imagine for the entire 3 years until about 4 days ago......actual babies. Pregnancy wasn't the goal, that was just the next step to get to the goal......having children! Aaahaaa! Light bulb moment! So let's just say I'm having to re-wire my brain to stop thinking that pregnancy was ultimate goal, and that pregnancy was just the 9 month build up to the goal.......babies!! I'm not there yet, but I'm hoping when they get here next week (Ahhhhhhh, so soon!) my brain will wrap around the concept that THEY were the ultimate goal and not this big ol' belly.
More on this big ol' belly......I'm gonna miss it! I think I said before I wouldn't miss it, but I take it back, I take it all back. For all the complaining I have done and all the side effects and pains it has caused on my body......I'm still gonna miss it. It has started to feel somewhat normal, and I'm wondering what it will feel like to not have it there anymore? I am also trying to enjoy every moment these last few days of the girls moving and kicking and sloshing around in there. (painful rib kicking and all). Ok, now I'm crying! Hold on a sec..... And as I sit here typing, they are moving like crazy and I am just tying to take it all in.
And I guess another reason it is hard for me to wrap my brain around this whole thing is because well.........it is a life changing experience. And being like most other humans on the planet, I'm not great at "change", and it's scary and unknown. I love my life now, and I KNOW I will love it even more once the girls are here, but the fear of the unknown new world I'm about to embark on is well......scary. I'm a type A personality and I want to be in control and know exactly what is going to happen and know how to be prepared and well......I can't, and that's scary to me.
Well now that I've laid it all out there, I'm hoping I don't sound crazy or heartless or I don't know, weird.
And I guess I'll just sum up for you the week to this point. Let's see.....I haven't cried quite as much since last weekend, I've done more relaxing, my swelling is back in my hands and feet, my belly is tender to the touch because my skin is stretched so thin, I've read 3 baby books that made me feel much more competent about my knowledge and common sense abilities, and I can't get enough milk to drink!
And today is Thursday evening already which means we had our last and final doctor appointment today!!! Again, we did the usual ultrasound with biophysicals on both girls, and again everything looked great!! We met with the doctor and he reviewed a couple things regarding next Wednesday. He said I will need to arrive around 12:30pm to check in and start the process and just assume that he will be late and the csection most likely will not start on time. Gotta love his honesty! Then he said plan on up to 1.5hrs in the operating room, sometimes less, sometimes more then on to recovery for several hours. Which means I won't be back to a regular room with the girls till early evening. Our hospital is a "room in" hospital and they like the babies to stay in your room with you as much as possible and they have one nurse that takes care of both you and the babies, which is nice because you aren't dealing with a bunch of different people. The doctor also said at the gestational age of 36.5 weeks the percentage of multiples or any baby at that point with lung issues is very low, somewhere around 6%, and he doesn't anticipate them needing to go to the NICU, but he said don't count it out on account of some of the on-call surgical pediatricians will automatically make them go there for a through checkout because technically they will be 4 days short of full term for twins.
The last ultrasound picture we will get! A profile of Baby A!
He also showed me where the incision will be which is much lower than I thought, which is a good thing. My belly measurement this week was 47cm!!! Holy moly!! Crazy! And I gained those 2 lbs I lost last week so I'm back up to 29 total lbs gained. Not bad for a twin pregnancy. Anyway, I also expressed my anxiety about everything to him and he said it was normal. (still doesn't make me less anxious!)
Our last doctor visit! Yay!!
And now it is 11pm on Thursday evening which means I have 5 days, 13.5 hours until we check in at the hospital! And shortly there after our "ultimate goals", our 2 teeny tiny baby girls will arrive in the world! Wrap your brain around it Jenny!
I will update like I normally do on Sunday again with my 36 week belly photo and a last belly photo before we leave for the hospital on Wednesday. Then I'll try to send out a blog after the girls arrive on Wednesday evening or Thursday. I cant' wait to share the news of their arrival and their names with the world!!
Wow, the time is here!! Can't believe it! In just a few short days and hours I will be a MOM! Yes, I will be a MOM! Sorry, had to say it twice to get it to start to sink in!
That is all for now!
Love to all-
Jenny & Justin +5
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