Canceled

Well, things have gone from bad to worse.  My IVF cycle has been canceled.  Which means I am off all medications as of 4pm today.  Why?  Well here is how I can best explain it.

I started my stimulation medications last Wednesday.  That morning I did a blood test and my estradiol level came back at 42, which is normal but a little low for the beginning of a cycle.  All my other hormone levels were very normal, but my overall indicator number of my egg reserve was low.

I did 5 injections of the first medication before I saw the doctor again on Friday morning.  The doctor wasn't thrilled with the 42 number, so he up'd my dose of the first medication for the injection Friday night.  He did another blood test to test my estradiol level.  I also started that second stimulation injection on Friday night. 

We repeated the same higher dose (which was the max dose allowed for med 1), and med 2 injections on Saturday and Sunday.

We did the max dose of medicine 1 again this morning as instructed and went in to the doctor for another ultrasound, blood draw appt.   I think I mentioned again in my last blog how the doctor had said that he wanted to see that estradiol level increase significantly.  Well Friday's results came back and my estradiol level from Friday was at a 30.  Lower!!  What??  This is crazy!  So the doctor said to me today, "You are taking the medications right?  You are injecting yourself as we instructed you to with no issues?"  I responded a little defensive, because I kinda felt like for a second he was accusing me of not taking the meds.  I mean why would we hand him all this money and then not follow the rules?  I showed him the bruises on my stomach as proof that we were taking the meds religiously to the minute as instructed.  The doctor said it was very puzzling and strange that after that amount of stimulants in my system that my levels would go down.  He also thought it was strange that I wasn't experiencing any of the normal side effects of the meds, like swollen ovaries, overly emotional, irritable, nothing!  Yes, I did have the 2 small dizzy spells, but that was it. 

So, the doctor did another ultrasound and this time, I was down to 2 follicles on the right side that were still very small and again none on the left.  He said he was even more puzzled, because not only should my levels be rising, but my follicles, even if there is just 2 should be of a certain size and they are not.

Ugh! Ok, so he said lets do one more blood test today and see where your estradiol level is at.  At this point you have been doing 6 days of high dose stimulating meds and your level should be at least at 100.  If it is not at 100 or higher, there is no point in moving forward with this cycle since my body was having no reaction to the medication, and the results through ultrasound and blood work were obvious.  So we did another blood draw and the doctor said he would call me after 4pm today with the results.  And he did......

And that is when he said my test came back and my estradiol was only at a 56.  So it had gone up, but not enough to mean anything.  He said it is very puzzling because all of my preliminary tests showed that I was going to be a good candidate and progress well.  The doctor said his first suspicion is the medicine.  He said he has heard of counterfeit medicines getting into this country, especially since the IVF meds are so expensive and not covered by insurance.  He said the medicine could have also been a bad batch.  So first things first, we have to take all of our empty cartridges into him on Wednesday morning and he is going to investigate and have them tested.  If it is the medicine, I would be so relieved!  If it is NOT the medicine, we go back to the guessing drawing board to try and figure out why I had no reaction at all.

The doctor in the meantime will review all of my past testing to make sure he didn't miss anything, and he said that if the medicine is ruled out as the cause, then we might have to do some more testing on me to make sure I don't have an auto-immune disorder which would make me immune to the stimulant drugs.  In that case, we would definitely need to have a conversation about donor eggs, because obviously I would not be able to use mine.  Or we would need to start looking in a different direction like adoption, if donor eggs weren't something we wanted to pursue.

So after all this investigating is done, we are hoping to try another cycle in November with my eggs, most likely with different stimulating medicines.

Here is the big question you are all probably wondering...How am I feeling about all this?  Well honestly.....probably the most disappointed I have ever been in my life.  I am angry and sad and mad and I want to punch something and I also want to crawl into a hole for a couple days and cry till there are no tears left....but being the kind of person I am I will probably just cry a little and put on a happy face and move on with my life until it is time to try it again.  Why?  Because this process has taught me that I am not in control even one little bit.  I don't know what is going to happen, and I can't MAKE something happen, so I might as well enjoy my life, and not spend it moping around.  If it is going to happen it will, and if it isn't then it won't, and I have to be ok with that either way.  Because if not I am going to waste this short life of ours that we are given in misery and playing the "what if" game.  So I am just going to enjoy each day with what I have.

But I'll be damned if I am not angry about all those needles!!!  16 injections and thousands of dollars down the drain!!  My poor bruised and sore belly!

So I am headed back to work tomorrow, to get my mind off of things and maybe go have some fun and a glass of wine this week!  I could sure use one.  So I will keep up on the blog when I have any updates over the next couple months.  Thanks to everyone for their kind words and support over the last several weeks!  Keep Justin and I in your baby thoughts and prayers!  I will be in touch soon!  Until next cycle.....

Jenny
The Needle Warrior